“Never eat more than you can lift.” Miss Piggy
Thanksgiving is right around the corner. I know, can you believe it! Where did the time go? Soon we will all be stuffing ourselves like Tom Turkey. Come New Year’s, in typical American fashion, most of us will proclaim our New Year’s Resolution to lose all that holiday weight. This year, however, I began a strategy to combat the need for this most popular, cliché New Year’s resolution called dieting. I have crafted a plan to avoid gaining that turkey 5, drawing a map to prep my body for fat and food overload. Shortly after Halloween I started what I didn’t even realize I invented: The Candy Diet.
The Candy Diet is great. Everyone knows that diet is all about moderation. Here’s how you moderate: Don’t eat anything but candy. It’s all about caloric intake, and whether you intake calories of candy or healthy proportions from the five food groups, one plus one equals two; calories are calories, they all add up to the same number. Besides, the FDA pyramid is just a government conspiracy so don't feel badly about straying from it.
Conspiracy or not, this diet is very inexpensive. All that candy left over from Halloween needs a home. Now I know all about Operation Sweet Tooth where you gather up your child’s candy and donate to the military. Believe me, I tried this. My kids freaked, “You can’t give away our candy that we worked so hard to earn?” I suppose I need to work on the giving and gratitude aspect with my children.
That being said, regardless, we parents do not want our kids to have all that sugar and junk. As parents we often take the fall for our kids and protect them from harm. The Candy Diet has this covered. Here’s the plan: Sneak a few pieces of candy throughout the day from each child’s stash. Best times are during school hours, while they are at a friend’s house, and even at night when they are asleep. They may notice the subtlety in which their loot is being depleted. Be prepared and have your answers ready.
For instance, they may question the missing pieces of Twix “Hey, I had 10, now there are only 7?”
Your answer, “Sweetie, you ate three yesterday. You have had so much candy you can’t even keep track of what you’ve eaten. Bless your heart!”
They may shout in anger, “Hey, who ate all my Snickers!”
Your reply, “Calm down, I just took one. Can’t you even share a piece with your mother? After all I do for you!” (Driving home the guilt factor is important for this response.).
The sweet young one may tear at the heart strings when he brings to your attention, “Look Mommy, I forgot to eat the other half of my Reese’s!”
Play to the innocence of that young child, “Yes you did dear, yes you did.”
Or to the older child, not quite so naïve, bordering on sassy, “What the, hey, this piece is open. And someone took a bite!”
Demonstrate your mother bear instincts, “I was just testing it to make sure it was OK to eat. And it is, so you’re good to go!”
I admit, this is not a diet for the long term as it truly does lack certain nutrients, but if enough candy is eaten, the gaps in nutrition will be filled. For instance, chocolate has numerous health benefits such as powerful flavonoids which act like antioxidants, supporting the immune system; perfect for cold and flu season. Flavonoids also work as free radicals and prevent aging and heart disease; like a face lift and a work out in one. Chocolate also stimulates endorphins, the “feel good” chemical in our brain; perfect for feeling in love without the baggage. And, perhaps a little unknown fact, chocolate contains serotonin, an anti-depressant. Stave off the winter blues and save a few extra pennies on those overpriced drugs! Zoloft, Prozac? Just eat chocolate!
Nuts, such as those found in Babe Ruth and Snickers, give you that much needed protein to sustain and satiate hunger. The slogan “Snickers Satisfies” wasn’t created for nothing. Nuts are rich in fiber and also phytonutrients and antioxidants such as Vitamin E and selenium. “Sometimes you feel like a nut…” I always feel like a nut.
Worried about fat in candy? The Candy Diet debunks the traditional low fat diet. Recent experts demonstrate and prove in their specialized studies that fat is essential for our overall health. In fact, low fat diets are actually causing weight gain. The Candy Diet provides the necessary fat for our diets, thus supporting the new findings.
Now I know sugar takes the body on journey from high to quick low. This is where the Candy Diet once again is wonderful. Feeling sleepy? Studies have also proven that naps are beneficial in so many ways. A quick power nap boosts creativity, energy level, cognitive skills and memory. If at home, sneak a quick cat nap. If at work, sneak a quick cat nap – take an extended potty break, be resourceful about napping. This sleep induced sugar yo-yo will force you to take that so important afternoon nap necessary to maintain mental and physical well-being.
Oh, and, don’t worry about that sleepy feeling turkey gives you from the amino acid tryptophan – your body is already accustomed to feeling sleepy from the sugar of the past month. An internal clock for napping has already been set.
Aside from the sugar low, too much candy can make a belly speak. But then again, so can too much of anything shoved into a pie hole. Stick with it, this is training for the big T day. No pain, no gain, as I say on the Candy Diet. The more rumble in the bumble and the body will begin to get used to feeling like crud.
When gathering for the much anticipated meal, the body has been on a crud mission for an entire month, completely desensitized to any and all ill feeling. This is a license to eat your heart out. Your stomach won’t even notice the coagulation of all that variety of food melding together in one big blob: Turkey, mashed potatoes, candied yams, stuffing, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, apple pie, Irish soda bread, creamed oysters, pork and sauerkraut, green bean casserole. Shove it all in. You can handle it! You have been Candy Dieting!
If this diet is properly followed, results of a shrunken stomach and a loss of five pounds should be expected. Starving and sustaining on nothing but candy for a month takes focus, but at the same time is really sweet. However, with any diet there are drawbacks. Here are a few I have experienced:
The first is a constant eye twitch. I am not sure what causes this. Then there is the skin issue. Similar to teenage acne, the diet does make one prone to breakouts and dulling of the skin. Just run with it and act like you’re young at heart. I have also experienced swelling and puffing around the eyes, which is bizarre and unattractive. Expect some loopiness in the head too.
Listen, with any diet come sacrifices. The pros need to be balanced with the cons. I say with this diet the pros win. Just remember, you heard it here first, “The Candy Diet!” *
Do not try this diet without first consulting a physician.*